Look Mom, You are doing a GREAT job!

I haven't blogged in a while....okay...a LONG while but honestly I didn't have anything to say that other blog posts didn't say better. Why re-invent the wheel right? But today I do have something to say and I believe it is timely.

There is SO MUCH mommy guilt going around on the internet that I honestly just can't take it anymore. Every time I log on Facebook, Pinterest, Yahoo....ANYWHERE there is a post or an article telling moms what they aren't doing enough of....hugging our kids, spending time with our kids, spending more time with our spouse, feeding our family better food, being more involved in their school, being more involved in kids sports, not being so involved in kids sports, reading more with them, taking them more places, making more of the household items from scratch, meal planning AMAZING organic-no artificial-no preservatives- HOME COOKED- previously frozen crock pots meals...I mean this list keeps going and going!!! Who can do all that?! NO ONE! Yet we ALWAYS click on them....pin them, forward them, and share them as if to say "Okay candidates for the loser mom of the month club, look what I read and felt convicted on, YOU SHOULD TOO!" AHHHH!!!! It's such a vicious cycle!!

So....Do you want to know the truth?


And yes I thought the Spanish (actually these are Portuguese...oops!) caption gave it a little something extra ;)

The truth is....you know that woman on Facebook that makes all her kids clothes, has her own 3 acre garden, churns her own butter and instantly makes you feel like 1/8th of a mom? She struggles with believing she isn't good enough, that no matter what she does she never feels like she measures up.

You know that girl with all the money, showroom house, nice cars and hip/trendy clothes? She struggles with crippling body image issues. No matter how beautiful we all know she really is, she still looks in the mirror and sees a troll.

You know that family with the kids adopted from 4 different countries and they all skip happily through the fields picking flowers, blowing bubbles and pooping rainbows? Yeah when the cameras aren't rolling they are restraining a child who pulled a knife on them because he was raging over not being able to play video games when he wanted to.

You know that family with the 2 kids, laid back lifestyle that can travel whenever they want, eat out whenever they want and just seem good at everything they touch? Yeah they are DESPERATE for more kids but can't conceive. Everywhere they go they see babies and it's absolutely heart breaking.

You see folks.....there is no greener grass except for in heaven when we will have the same fertilizer man....JESUS.

You were meant to be incomplete....you aren't going to be able to DO IT ALL...EVER...on this planet! Moms-you are never going to be able to simultaneously have a sparkly clean ceiling to baseboard house, organic fresh from the backyard garden scratch dinner, one hour of bible reading followed by one hour of personal ME time, every item of clothing washed, folded and in it's proper place, kids lined up with clean butts, faces, clipped fingernails and collared shirts telling you how "Gee golly swell of a mom you are", you all perfectly put together with actual cute undergarments that match (GASP)-makeup and hair done (double GASP) and .....wait for it....an outfit that cost more than $40 and shoes from the current season ALL IN ONE DAY. AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. Trust me. The women from the 1950's tried it and birth the Feminist movement. Let's not go there.....bad things happen.

We are all a 500 piece puzzle with 53 1/2 pieces MISSING on PURPOSE. We need Jesus to help us fill in the holes and frankly....He can only fill 70% until we get to heaven people. So STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF!

The mom that can sew amazing clothes for her kids can't fix her hair or makeup to save her life. The mom with the amazing hair and makeup can't get her kids to LISTEN to her to save her life. The mom with the incredibly well behaved kids feels unloved and ignored by her husband. The  mom with the amazing husband thinks she looks like a troll. The super skinny mom with six pack abs can't boil an egg to save her life. The mom who can cook us all under the table has a house that looks like post Katrina. The mom with the white glove approved baseboards can't homeschool her kids to save her life. The mom who homeschools like she invented it can't even figure out HOW to turn her sewing machine on!

This is reality people. We are never going to measure up to the standards we let society set for us. So the next time you look at some picture on Facebook and feel that mommy guilt creeping in because you can't table set like she can....remember she doesn't set the bar...she is 15 feet below it standing next to YOU looking up thinking "Really? I can't do that either". YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. Enough already.

I will walk through this valley...if you want me to.

Reactive Attachment Disorder-a mental health disorder in which a child is unable to form healthy social relationships, particularly with a primary caregiver. Often children with RAD will seem charming and helpless to outsiders, while waging a campaign of terror within the family. RAD is frequently seen in children who have had inconsistent or abusive care in early childhood, including children adopted from orphanages or foster care.

This has become a new term in our house as the past few months have brought forth perhaps a new reality for us. A normal that may have a FASD/Bi-polar/RAD diagnosis as we sort through all the testing. I have always known what RAD was but had never had first hand experience dealing with it as Nathan, our internationally adopted child, never showed any symptoms. In fact, Nathan has only ever had academic and physical delays as a result of his severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and eight years of orphanage institution life. He is the most well adjusted and happy child I have ever met and I believe his FAS saved his life. If he really knew the depths of what he has experienced in his short life, I believe he would have a mental diagnosis as well. But he doesn't...and is possibly one of the best success stories of international adoption to date. This doesn't mean we don't have struggles, but for the most part Nathan is happy and where he is suppose to be.

So when I said yes without thinking to taking Grant and Ryanne back into our home, I am thankful I had obedience without question. Knowing what I know now on the hardest days, I may have answered different. But that's the beauty of obedience....I don't need to know the why's, how's or the when's of the mission, I just need to say yes. It's just like when accepting Christ...if we knew what Christianity would cost, we very well would have answered differently. God is so good that He conceals His fullness to be revealed in natural and spiritual revelations over the course of our lives, to be received at just the right times. Adoption is similar in this way. We say "yes" to the immediate need that a child needs a home and in time it's revealed the truths of what those years without a family did to mold who they have become. But we are in over our heads now, just as with Christ, and we couldn't walk away if we wanted to because we love them and are forever committed, as with Christ. So we batten down the hatches and prepare for the storm brewing and know that all that is needed to weather this will be provided, just as He promised. Doesn't mean it will be easy, doesn't mean we won't, at times, want to run for the hills. Just means He will be with us, walking through the valley..together. I believe there are lessons for me here. Grace, mercy and humility grow in these valleys and I am determined to stop and pick them whenever given the opportunity. So when I am restraining her to keep her from hurting herself and she begins to physically attack me (like yesterday in the presence of company) I will remember what our new, Godly psychologist said to me at the last session..."Honey, you know God made you for this. People look their whole lives to find their mission, their purpose. This is yours. You are doing what God made you to do." May we always remember the greatest callings in our lives don't come with titles, spotlights or accolades....they come in the form of broken humans looking to be loved and accepted as Jesus would have us to.

One of my favorites....

My 30th birthday wish.....

In 16 days I will finally be 30. It's one of those birthdays that looms in the distance when you're in your mid-late 20's. The big 3-0. What will you look like? Will you finally be old? What will life be like? and the last big question, How will you celebrate?! Well, bless me....I have been planning of this day for years! The idea of a big, fun excuse to dance is all I need to dream big! How about a prom? 80's dance party? Night on the town? A trip to the beach? The idea's are limitless....but in the last few days my heart has been telling me a different scenario. I heard that the Christian Alliance for Orphans is having their annual Summit conference in May at Saddleback Church in southern California where almost 2,000 pastors, leaders, ministry heads and grassroots advocates are expected to attend what is called the national hub for the "burgeoning Christian orphan care movement". Speakers will include Francis Chan, Rick and Kay Warren, Crawford Lorritts, Dennis Rainey, Steven Curtis Chapman, and many others meant to inspire, challenge, educate and equip leaders for adoption, foster care and global orphan ministry. As soon as I read this I felt the proverbial tap on the shoulder, "You need to go". After viewing the breakout sessions that address Attachment and Trauma, Mentoring America's Fatherless, Building Church ministries to address foster and adoption, Mental Health challenges and SO MUCH MORE I knew I needed to be there. They even have an entire intensive workshop day for Social Workers where I am told because I am a current student I may be able to attend as well. This is what I'm called to do, this is why I have spent the last year breaking myself desperately trying to chisel away my first year pursuing my bachelor's in Social Work. This is why I adopted and currently foster lost and hurting children. This is my life calling, for better or worse. So as I review all my birthday choices I have come to the conclusion that all I want is to go to this conference. No new handbags, no cut and color at a professional salon (been over five years), no restaurant gift cards, no shopping trip, and lastly...no ridiculous party. I just want the opportunity to go and begin fulfilling the call on my life. It seems impossible to go with so much going on right now....mental health issues going on with eldest foster kid to the point that we see a psychiatrist and meds are on the table, attorney informing us that it's time to file for termination and it's going to be expensive, my eldest's issues seemingly getting worse, finishing up child psych and phil 204 in a few weeks, all with funds in short supply and did I mention homeschooling everyone? How in the world can I pay for a 3 day conference with airfare, lodging and food? I don't know....but maybe you can help? I'm looking for sponsors to help pay my conference fee of $175, perhaps help with airfare by donating miles, points or buddy passes or help with hotel expenses. It seems a lot to ask but I believe if Jesus is the one tapping me on the shoulder telling me to go then somehow he will find a way. It's time to start walking out my calling and not just opening my home to kids.....it's time to lift my voice and join the fight. Will you help me?

Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit VIII- http://www.summitviii.org/

If you want to donate you can click on the "Donate Now" button on the right side of this blog or email me at laurieclinger@yahoo.com for other ways.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you"-James 1:27

What I've learned in 29 years.....

Socrates once stated, "The unexamined life is not worth living". What a profound statement! As I rapidly approach my entry into the next decade of life and thus, as C.S. Lewis put so fondly; become a real walking, talking adult, I thought it important to reflect on what I have learned thus far. Or in reality, list more the things I have realized I actually don't know and probably will never figure out. Wisdom and age were once thought to go hand in hand as the more achievements from experiences we attained, the more knowledgeable we become. I believe it's the failures in my life that have given me the most wisdom thus far. The risks I have taken, the bridges I have burned, the decisions I've made....all had incredible value. It's only when we really take responsibility for them, reflect on our actions, and take a long, hard look in the mirror of self-forgiveness can we truly attain the wisdom that comes from age. So in my 29 years of life....these are my certainties...

No matter had bad my circumstances are...someone in the world has it far worse....and more importantly....they aren't complaining about it like I am.

Chocolate was made by Jesus especially for me to give me the hope that maybe my day wasn't so bad after all.

My parents are human beings who, like me, screwed up on a daily basis parenting me, and if Facebook had existed, would have dedicated 80% of their posts to the insanity caused by my unwavering defiance.

Best friends really are for life and should be classified in the same legal category as family members.

With that said, family members are God's reminders that we need Jesus hourly.

The only piece of advice given to me by a family member that was not only clean but actually wise was the statement that, "If you hang around with trash you will start to look like it." As such I have become incredibly selective of my company.

Successful parenting basically means that your children will know how to call and give their name, address, phone, DOB, SSN and insurance information over the phone to the therapist to make an appointment and then successfully drive to the pharmacy to pick up their meds.

Nothing is worth going to bed angry. NOTHING. Swallow your pride, forget your rights, and be the first to say your sorry without expectation to hear it back. It just isn't worth wasting the opportunity to laugh with those you love.

I will NEVER be 18 years old, 103 pounds and a size zero again. Things are going to jiggle, sag, wrinkle, and faintly resemble their former appearance. As long as I like how I look in the mirror, that is ALL that matters :)

There is NO such thing as happily ever after....unless you can change your definition of happily to happily dysfunctional... then yes....it totally exists.

With that said the most profound statement to change my married life was that marriage was created to make me HOLY, not happy. If I got married to be happy then I would have to get a new marriage every two years. Holiness is committing my life to my spouse as I promised I would in front of God and a few hundred friends and family. It's time to actually do what we say we are going to do. For better or worse....

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to shop in the Misses section. I just can't do it. Youth is wasted on the youth. Just because it's marketed to 12-15 year old's doesn't mean that I can't make it cute. Period.

If I think you are making a mistake, I am going to say something. Not because I want to hurt you or make you feel bad...but because I love you too much not to at least say something. I may very well be wrong but at least you will know that I cared enough to say it to your face.

With that said I am can be a very passionate person who can put unrealistic expectations of perfection on those around me. I am sorry. Bare with me as God burns this away.

When your asked questions under immense pressure, the first answer you give determines the kind of person you are. Take a risk....put yourself out there for Jesus and say yes without the fear of how.

I do not drink. I don't judge those that do but know this, I have NEVER met someone that didn't know a life destroyed by alcohol. Period.

Peer pressure doesn't work on me. I care way too much about what Jesus would think then pleasing a room full of people who didn't send their only Son to die for me.

Some days you just need to break the rules. Cancel your plans, call in sick, don't go to school and pull a Ferris Bueller kind of day. It's cheap therapy.

Sometimes the reality of our immediate despair can prevent us from seeing anything else. Walk outside and look up at the sky. Tomorrow the sun will rise....the tide will come in....the world will keep turning. Don't give up.

Learn to see every angle of the argument BEFORE forming an opinion. This way people will actually want to hear what you have to say.

The longitude and latitude of where you are born should not determine whether you live or die. Which womb you were conceived in shouldn't either. Fight for the injustices of this world. Lives depend on whether you act or not.

It's never too late for anything. If an 88 year old can wake up one morning, decide to go to law school and DO IT, why can't you?

Take the road less traveled.....I believe the presence of God waits for us just around the bend of the overgrown path.

and finally....I want to live a life worthy of the death of an innocent man. Not because anything I could ever do could earn it, but because I at least want to try to make what little world changing I can do here worth it in His eyes. I haven't forgotten His sacrifice....my prayer is for the next 30 years to be notes on a song played over a lifetime spent worshiping Him.

Conversations with a former orphan

Last week as we were driving home from a therapy session with the foster kids Nathan made a statement out of left field that has left my heart heavy. I am not sure what we were talking about, I think the conversation was about when one of the kids was in the womb and they were asking questions about what cravings I had with them. Nathan then blurted out "I wish I was born in America." Everyone got quiet and then I spoke up, "Why did you say that buddy?" His response..."Because my real Latvia mom just left me there, at Dzeguzite (Orphanage). She just left me there and would go one year, four years without seeing me and just LEFT me there you know?! They only come see me every few years and they come at wrong times, they would get in trouble!" Everyone got quiet and I made eye contact with him through the rear view mirror. "Look at me", I said. His eyes peered up kinda pouty like. "It's not your fault." "I know" he mumbled under his breath. "Nathan....look at me....IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT." He just looked at me taking in what I said. "I really believe with all my heart that your birth mother and father love you more than anything in this world. But the reality is that alcohol and drugs change people. They make even the best of people make the worst of decisions. It's not because of you and has nothing to do with you. They love you....they just can't be the mom and the dad you need." He shook his head and smirked. "You know what's funny mom, I look like you more than anyone else in the car!" "Yep buddy, you sure do....because you were born in my heart."

Fighting the good fight

This past Wednesday was a special day for me. I woke up early, laid out my "good jeans" and my fancy heels, curled my hair and did my makeup just so. I hurried out the door and got myself a seat in the front row of the local baptist church down the street. I was anxious and excited as I saw the decorations around me and prepared my camera to take pics and video simultaneously. Then, the door opened and there they came. Granted, they aren't much to take serious....they are just 4 year olds....walking through the sanctuary preparing to take the stage in your average run-of-the-mill preschool performance. But this day was different. One little girl walked out....looked out into the audience...and for the first time in her life someone was sitting in her "reserved" seating. Someone was there...claiming her as their own...ready to give her their undivided attention. And this wasn't just a preschool performance, this was a mother/daughter tea. An event that, for an orphan or foster child, creates anxiety and fear for the "what if's". What if she didn't come? What if no one is there to watch me? What if I have to sit by myself and watch all the other kids with their mommy's Even if just for today, the what if's were silenced as we made eye contact and her face lit up like a light. I was there......cheering, watching, smiling and blowing kisses. I was there....taking pictures, giving a thumbs-up at the end of each song. I was there....ready to take her by the hand and walk her to the reserved mother/daughter table to enjoy goodies and gifts made especially by her. And as I sat there, for just that one hour together, I was her real mom.....I got to "show up" for her.....and it made my year. So when I went to court today and by the default of our justice system and the umpteen chances we provide birth parents I was able to hold onto that moment and smile...as the judge gave their mother six more months to "get it together". Allbeit six more months to "hang herself" so to speak, it's six more months of no-shows, no-calls, no child-support, no effort. Six more months of "I don't know where mommy is" or "I don't know how long you will live here" or "I know you're hurting because you haven't seen her in a long time". Six more months of fight. But instead of being furious....being distraught with our justice system and the lack of accountability....I have a smile on my face and peace in my heart. What glory would God get if it was just that easy to save a life? Why would we need Him if we could just walk in and do it all ourselves? That's why we will continue to fight this good fight of faith. Because just as I got to show up for her, My God shows up for me. He has WON the battle against the enemy. The war over orphans and foster kids is OVER. God has WON. The problem is no one is showing up to claim that victory, whatever it looks like. It's not an easy job, there are no accolades...no spotlights...no special titles. Just broken kids looking for someone to show up for them...everyday...in very simple ways. These two probably won't cure cancer, probably won't invent the next big thing, probably won't be professional athletes. They probably won't be standing before the Academy, thanking Aunt Laurie and Uncle Chad for taking them in and loving them. But they will be loved. They will be wanted. They will know Jesus. And they will always have someone sitting in their section. Because that's what Jesus did for us. He showed up. He fought. He never gave up. And neither will we. I will leave you with this....

And we call ourselves pro-life....

Today 43 women walked into this unassuming house on a quiet street in Orlando, Florida and killed their unborn child. How do I know this, besides the reality that abortions are legal in this country and clinics are on every corner? My sister-in-law was there...standing outside....praying the blood of Jesus over these women. My immediate response was "Surely there were people outside screaming, crying, praying?!" How could people walk by seeing a woman with a pregnant belly walk in and then stammer out 45 mins later, clearly in post labor pain while 15 feet away in a trash can wrapped up in soiled linens is a baby, perhaps taking its last breath?! To my surprise I was told there were't mobs of people outside crying out to the Lord and interceding for mercy...there were less people than I can count on my hand. How can this be? Where in the world is the church?! Where is everybody?! Then I immediately felt a tap on the shoulder...."Where were you?" demanded the Holy Spirit. "Wait a minute...I was at home...schooling 6 children....three of which I haven't given birth to. I am as pro-life as they come! I have adopted internationally....I foster children domestically! I do everything in my power to care for the least of these! Surely I am doing my part....aren't I? I have been mandated by God to live out James 1:27....that I was to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to keep myself from being corrupted by this world. So then what is an orphan?

According to Merriam-Webster an orphan is defined as follows....

ORPHAN-

1. a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent.

2. a young animal that has been deserted by or has lost its mother.

3. a person or thing that is without protective affiliation, sponsorship, etc.

4. not authorized, supported, or funded; not part of a system; isolated; abandoned

An orphan is no longer defined as history's past has defined it. We used to picture a child with loving parents dying in some kind of tragic accident and leaving their child without a guardian. Little Orphan Annie comes to mind doesn't it. But in a world with 147 millions orphans the realty is that the term "orphan" has been redefined to include children who have parents that are alive and well. Parents who have chosen to walk away. And as I reflect on this I am reminded of the three little lives living in my home, under my care that have a mother and a father alive and well out in the world. So I can correctly associate them with definition 3 and 4 of the word orphan. This is where God convicted my heart. Just as I thought that the most hopeless in the world....the true "least of these" has been the orphaned child....hopeless and co-dependent for survival I am reminded of another orphan that fits this definition. An unborn child. Essentially they are the same as the three in my home. Unwanted....ready to be thrown away at any given opportunity....seen as the ultimate burden. Where are their warriors? Where are their defenders? Not to say that there aren't people out there....because there are. But I am not one of them. I have never stood outside an abortion clinic and begged a woman to choose life. And the sad part is that you probably haven't either. Where is the disconnect? We all post statuses declaring life and have pro-life bumper stickers or pens but somehow that's where it ends. With words. Well I can't be that person anymore. I can't be the naive German walking in front of the concentration camps with my nose plugged because the horrible smell of what I am told is burning trash is unbearable to breath. I will acknowledge that there is a holocaust going on. Innocent PEOPLE are dying. And I will take a stand....a physical stand...outside a clinic...to pray, plead and beg for their lives to be spared. They are orphaned children without protective affiliation or support...isolated and abandoned by those chosen to love them. How CAN we sit by and do nothing?! I know that because of the legality of abortion that I can't force a woman to choose life. All I can do is share my life and my hope with her and pray a seed is planted. But at least we will be able to say we spoke up....we shouted out....we took a stand and we declared "LIFE IS SACRED". Because let me tell you .....if my sister in law can march down to the clinic that took the life of her child and stare her sin and shame in the face and plead, beg and pray...how can we not?! It's not just tissue, it's not just a blob of cells....it's a person. A life.

It's a daughter...a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin and a child of God. If that one life isn't worth me spending my Saturday morning outside a cold, foreign building being cussed out and spit on then I need to re-evaluate my relationship with Jesus. For it was His hand that formed them....His hand that knew them...and my job to remember them.

-For Mercy and Goodness....my two nieces in heaven.